BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT ALRIGHT PHOTO

Saturday evening, and the nation was gripped, united as one, watching the Greatest Show On Earth.

Emotional back-stories, loveable OAPs, talented unknown youngsters dreaming of the big time...

But enough about the FA Cup Final, Dave Whelan and Wigan Athletic...

Winning them over: This week's Britain's Got
Talent saw the crowd go wild for thirteen and fourteen year old best
friends from Ireland, Jack and Cormac, who even pleased Simon with their
musical skills

Britain’s Got Talent devoted its first 15 minutes of primetime airtime to two boys, aged 13 and 14, called Jack and Cormac.

Their song made you think: Ed Sheeran’s got a lot to answer for.

After
the build-up they had, it would have almost been more entertaining if
they had been rubbish or if the judges had done the decent thing and
said they were too young to go through.

Melting hearts: Their song made you think: Ed Sheeran’s got a lot to answer for

Suitably pleased: Simon commented on the young boys' nerves but all four judges said yes and sent them through to the next round

Of course that wasn’t going to happen but surprisingly Simon Cowell did declare: ‘it was good. It wasn’t GREAT.’

They’re THIRTEEN you thought.

‘I put that down to nerves,’ he suggested.

I put that down to the fact they’re THIRTEEN.

As the show progressed, Cowell continued this way, suggesting he was ‘not in the mood.’ 

So that's what floats his boat: Simon Cowell is
wowed by a 71-year-old pensioner singing Kiss My Ass and a 21-year-old
excitable impressionist on this week's Britain's Got Talent

Surprising! Kelly Fox, who turns 72 this year,
stunned all four judges and the crowd with her rocky and cheeky
rendition on Saturday night

Hilarity: After almost a
whole show of Cowell looking unimpressed and miserable, 21-year-old
Body Shop worker Philip Green stole the show with his impressions of
celebrities

Actually, mostly he was right – the only judge prepared to point out the acts’ (obvious) defects.

The audience went bananas about MD for example and David Walliams claimed they were ‘fierce.’

But, like Cowell, I thought they were deadly dull.

‘I
can’t remember the time I thought: ‘you know what I want to see tonight
? Cossack dancing,’ Cowell declared about The Mazeppa Cossacks,
dismissing them with that most damning description: ‘pointless.’

‘Would I like to see it again ? Not particularly.’

Not two Simons! Cowell was in a seemingly bad mood throughout the majority of the show and said no to many of the contestants

Not what you want to see: The judges happily
said a quick goodbye to the cringeworthy acts who tried their luck on
stage during the audition stages

That’ll be a ‘NO’ then...

Peruvian busker, Horlando Salinas received the same treatment.

‘In
the real world, if I’m driving in my car and that came on the radio, I
would turn over to another radio station. It actually sounded like a
vacuum cleaner or something.’

The
audience on the other hand proved what a bunch of gormless morons they
are by loving it – probably just because it was Peruvian.

The thought of Simon Cowell referring to ‘the real world’ was a nice touch.

The
only interesting thing about The Glambassadors was that the song they
were dancing to (He Does Nothing by Alesha) made you realise that if she
had had many more hits as good as that one, she wouldn’t be on the
show.

Ouch! Philip even showed off his splits in jeans while pretending to be camp dancer Louie Spence

Delighted: He broke into impressions of Natalie Cassidy, Stacey Solomon and Louie Spence with ease

She and Amanda Holden found Philip Green hilarious even before he had done anything.

His
impressions included: Kim & Aggie, Natalie Cassidy, and Louie
Spence – not exactly contemporary or cutting edge. You waited for Frank
Spencer.

His Stacey
Solomon made you realise there are hundreds of people out there making a
living out of doing impressions of Stacey Soloman. They’re probably
making more than she is. He and that other woman who did her the other
week could do a Stacey Solomon Face-Off.

We're back! Cowell was originally optimistic
when dance troupe MD Productions arrived on stage after revealing her
enjoyed their attempts in 2007 and 2009

...But he was quick to tell them of his
disappointment after watching their latest routine, despite the other
three judges hailing the performance

I didn’t really care for the sight – or sound – of 71 year-old Kelly Fox inviting me to kiss her ass to be honest.

She’s Britain’s version of Beyonce. 

Personally,
I’m not sure how many more groups of cute kids doing street dance I can
take – even if they ARE wearing bow-ties or brightly coloured t-shirts.

Judging
by these hordes of junior wannabes, it looks as if the dance routines
of Cheryl Cole may be with us for some time. I’m afraid. 

Confident: Dance troupe Pre Skool, made up of 13
five to eight year olds melted hearts in their cute outfits and with
their dance moves

Delighted: The cute youngsters were over the moon when they received their feedback and four yeses from the judges

Finally, Rosie O’Sullivan closed the show with a solid, if slightly bellowing, version of It’s A Man’s Man’s Man’s World.

She
had prefaced her performance by mentioning she had ‘confidence issues’ –
caused by her weight – and that she tended to ‘stand in the
background.’

She managed this here by dressing in a blue dress that matched the Britain’s Got Talent backdrop.

Simon Cowell said she had ‘a soul voice’ but personally I thought it one-dimensional, unlikeable and pretty average.

Maybe, like him, I just wasn’t in the mood. But somehow I doubt she’ll go that far.